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Working It Out

June 30, 2014

Lately when I try to pray, I just cry, and since I can’t really just cry for days on end, I don’t pray. My relationship with Jesus has become very quiet. We walk together all day everyday and we don’t speak. Speaking hurts too much. I know he is there and often he reaches out and grabs my hand for comfort. But we walk in silence.

Two years ago, my friend’s daughter disappeared. A search went on for 2 1/2 months and then her mother, my dear friend, found her body. 

The agony of this event has left me in deep mourning; deep sadness and that sadness lays in my heart under the smiles, under the gratitude for my beautiful life. Because this sadness is buried there, I don’t go deep. For two years, I have avoided going below the surface because it hurts too much. I play in the ocean, I focus on the day to day joys and frustrations of life, but I do all of this with a deep brokenness. 

Praying is not a surface activity. You can’t do small talk with God because He sees the depth of your heart. He sees what is broken underneath the smiles. So when I pray, I know he sees it all and since I am not ready to talk about it, even with Him, I don’t pray.

I don’t have some happy revelation to share on this. There is no “Ah ha” moment that makes this all ok. The worst thing I can imagine happening happened to someone I love. God was there through this all and for some reason He let this all happen. I don’t  know if I am mad at Him for that. I do trust Him and believe all things happen for good in the end. It’s really not that my faith is struggling. I believe in Him and His plans, but for some reason, that doesn’t take away the pain.

So I have to believe that is is just ok to be really, really sad. 

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