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The Monster

February 10, 2016

Today I am on the 5th day of a mental health crisis. I’m coming out of it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but two hours ago, it was very dark and scary and I didn’t think I could keep going.

When a woman is close to giving birth, the pain is more than she can bear. She will cry out that she can’t go on. But then soon after, a child is born and the pain is forgotten.

Before this feeling passes and I forget this pain, I want to write it down because some people live with this all the time and I need to remember what they are going through. Pain brings compassion. I need lots of compassion, so God blesses me with pain.

What caused this to come on? Was it a stressful event or was this coming on and that caused a benign event to become stressful? I am not sure. All I know is that an event happened that I can pinpoint as the start, and I felt like my whole body was consumed with emotion; emotion that would not be contained and so it shook my body trying to escape. I had a constant movie going in my head. A replay. Sometimes I participated in the replay; talking back to these imaginary voices with what I wanted to say or should have said or would say. Sometimes I just begged it to stop. But it didn’t stop. I haven’t slept right in 5 days.

I have overeaten and drank, even though I thought I was past using both to deal with stress. The pain has been intense and getting it to stop has trumped all other needs.

I get it, addicts. I get it.

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When these times hit, you would think faith would fix it. I am here to tell you that Jesus will not always stop the pain. When the voices of anxiety are doing a constant replay of one event over and over, the quiet voice of Jesus is hard to hear.  I know Jesus and He comforts me very much. I never walk alone because of Him, but I still have anxiety. I still have bouts of depression. He walks with me, but sometimes I can’t hear Him.

Two hours ago the anxiety began to break and the depression is coming on. It feels like a weight in my chest that is holding me down; stealing my joy and motivation.

I have been here before and I know this will pass. This is an illness that will run its course, but the illness is real. The pain is real. And some people that I care about are feeling this pain regularly.

So I implore you, healthy self, remember this feeling. Remember how you could not just “Let it go” or “Cheer up and quit feeling sorry for yourself.” Remember that what you really needed was someone to listen and then listen.

Hold a sacred space for them where they can be their broken selves and rest while their wounds heal.

 

To the addicts, the depressed, the anxious, the neurotic…..I feel your pain.

We are in this together.

 

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