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40 Years Old: Life Lessons

August 31, 2017

I have been on this Earth for more than 40 years now, and I keep thinking I should be wiser. I think I have some profound thought or that I have figured out some deep meaning to this life, only to realize that tons of smart people before me have already had that same thought and written it down in words so much more beautiful than I.

I spoke of putting problems away in bins in a previous post. Now that I am healthier, I have started unpacking these mental bins, and as I do, I put them into two piles: My Problems and Not My Problems. Then I have chosen to basically toss the Not My Problems contents in the trash, for I have limited energy and the My Problems bin is much too full to even think about the Not My Problems bin.

But the way I just worded that is not nearly as beautiful as the words that I saw hanging on my grandma’s wall this summer when I went to see her. Words that have been on her wall since I was a little girl and words that I have seen countless times in my life:

 

Such prettier words for My Problems and Not My Problems. I get the poem now. As I age, I don’t seem to get new profound thoughts to give to the world, but I recognize wisdom a bit more often.

There are three things that I have learned though that I will share with you.

  1. I am not as special as I once thought. This relates to the problem above of seeing that my profound thoughts have already been imparted to society, over and over again. I am experiencing a unique life. No one has had the exact experiences that I am having right now, but that doesn’t make me special or better or smarter. I am part of humanity. Just one part. That might of bummed me out as a younger human with ideas that I was special and could save the world, but now, I find that comforting. We are all in this together and thankfully, others have gone through similar experiences and have some wisdom to give me because I really need it. I am not the savior of the world. I am the one who needs saving.
  2. I am crazy and so are you. I’ve been pretty open on here about my mental health struggles, so I am accepting of my own crazy. I know that I am nuts. You are too. You don’t think you are? You are. Sorry. Human beings seem to all have some sort of neurosis that they are trying to work out. I accept now that I am nuts and then when I recognize the crazy in my fellow humans, it makes it easier to accept and forgive them. You know that line in the Bible where Jesus says, “Forgive them for they know not what they do”? He got it. He saw our collective crazy and knew that it is is not our fault. Loving people is easier when you see that they are mostly just mentally ill people doing the best they can.
  3. We need magic. The world is far too great and terrible to handle. The beauty is too much. The agonizing pain is too much. We need magic to help us cope. Without magic, the world is far too heavy. I do believe in magic. I need to know that there is a greater power than I taking care of this world or I will lose the shreds of sanity that I have. While I know that using magic as a synonym for faith is controversial, I am going to do just that. My faith is my magic. Through my faith in Jesus Christ, I get to let Him take charge of the universe and experience overwhelming pain and beauty with the safety net that I need. Amazing events have happened to me. Events that I cannot explain with empirical measurements. Time and time again, I am convinced that out world is a magical and wonderful place. A place of heroes and villains. A place that can only be explained with otherworldly characters. Humans have had stories forever to help cope with the awesome and terrible powers that they feel pulling on their lives. I desperately needed the story of Christ as if the story had been part of me forever, so when I read about Him, when I met Him, it felt like going somewhere very safe and beautiful for me. If I am going to be a weak, barely sane human, like I know that I am, I need to cling to this person, this God, who’s whole message is sacrificial love. He is my magic and my Savior.

 

To sum up, what I have learned in 40 years is that I am a delusional ego maniac that believes the voices in her head.

 

 

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